19 weeks

19 weeks and still going!!

4 weeks, 3 days

Yep, I am pregnant again! We are shocked by this because we had been taking a break from ttc.No fertility meds or anything.What a sweet surprise. It is still so early so we are careful to get too excited yet, but if I were to be completely honest, I would say I'm already a bit excited...Just maybe a bit cautious.I just thank God for this little blessing and pray that I can keep this one. Last Friday (8-26-11) my hcg was at 45.1 The progesterone was at 33.1 I am thrilled with the progesterone. On Monday (8-29-11) the hcg had rose to 154. Again,I am happy with these results.Next step is I have a ultrasound next week to make sure everything is in the right place.I am trying to stay calm but I am nervous about that appointment.Please God,Let this baby stick. I am already feeling drained with this pregnancy.I hear that is a good sign.

Taking a break

After much consideration and talk,we have decided to take a short break for the summer.A break from fertility meds,doctor appointments,ultrasounds,blood work,perfect timing, feeling like poop,lots of money,and even more stress.My daughter is out of school right now and this is the time to concentrate solely on her.We have some adventures planed and I plan on feeling good doing them.Of course ttc pops up in the back of my mind at times,but for now,I am trying to enjoy life without too much stress.

fertility and another loss

After our 3rd loss and finding out that I wasn't Ovulating on my own,we decided to go to a fertility specialist, Dr.Jacobs.After some testing,we came to the conclusion that I have a small case of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS).I started on Metformin for the pcos.Which I'm sure is evil in some sort of way.It makes me so sick.I took 50mg of Clomid for 5 days.Went in a week later for an ultrasound.They saw 3 great folicles.Then went home and gave myself the Ovidrel shot. 2 weeks later we got a positive pregnancy test.Went in to the doctors right away to confirm it will a blood test.Went back every 2 days for more blood work.At first everything seemed like to was going good.Progesterone and hcg levels were rising.Until yesterday.I got the awful phone call that my hcg levels have dropped.I am suppose to go back in Monday morning for more blood work to see what is going on and I am suppose to expect a miscarriage.Another miscarriage.This is 4 losses in a row.I find myself becoming an angry person.I am loosing my heart and mind.I am loosing a little sight my marriage over our sufferings.I am loosing hope and sight of my life.And I just keep praying for God to help me.

DREAMS

Out of all the dreams I have all the time....I never ever dream about Mia.Not even once and I have often thought that weird.Well,last night,I finally dreamed about her.It was so real.I didn't dream of her as a tiny newborn.I dreamed of her at the age she would be now.Of her at 20 months of age.In my dream,I knew she wasn't suppose to be there,but she was so beautiful.My color hair with little curls at the ends.I grabbed her out of a crib and held her.She just kept smiling at me.Then Blaine came into my dream and he held her.I looked at him and said."why don't we just keep her." and then I woke up.I was so mad when I woke up because I didn't want the dream to end.It was beautiful and peaceful and I was happy there.I want to go back to that dream and I look forward to the day that it might happen again.

Holding onto Hope

I recently started reading this book called "Holding onto Hope." By Nancy Gutherie.This book was literally brought to my front door and could not have come at a better time in my life. Ive recently come to some conclusions in my life and my new way of thinking and this book touches on that.Also.I have been praying for Blaine.At times he struggles with our losses and he questions why God would let this happen to us.Its hard to answer this question so I pray for him and I pray that God will calm his heart and open it to him.As I read this book I am thinking this is the answer to my prayer for Blaine.It amazes me.I am always asking God for an answer or a sign and I feel like he literally brought my answer right to my front door.
Nancy Gutherie talks about the book of Job.She talks about trying to except Gods plan even when it brings us massive pain.How we can use our pain to be better people and closer to God.And this brings me to my new revelations I discovered before this book came to my door.When Mia first died..I thought I would never be ok.I didn't understand why this could happen to us but I hoped one day It would all make sense.While I wont pretend that it all makes sense now...I can say that some does.Mia changed me.From the moment I became pregnant with her,something inside me changed.I wanted to be a better person and I felt I could see things more clearly in my life.Maybe I knew there was something special about her,even from the very beginning.Now a year and a half after her death,I look at the whole world differently.As crazy as it sounds,her death made me be able to love more.Brought me closer to God.And I am more equipped to help others that go through losses and I think that alone is a big part in my calling.Maybe I had to go through all this pain to make a difference in someone Else's life.A difference in my life

Christmas For Real

We had our actual Family Christmas and it was great! It reminded me that Christmas is my favorite time of year.Most importantly I know that it is Jesus's Birthday.And that is a celebration in itself.I would also have to admit that I love the whole process of giving and getting presents.I even like wrapping all the gifts in pretty wrapping paper with shiny bows.I love all the Christmas lights on all the houses.I love our Christmas tree with all our childhood ornaments on it.There is something peaceful about sitting in front of the lite up tree.But my favorite part of Christmas is all the family coming together.Letting go of any of the garbage,sitting together with smile and laughter.The children's faces when they tear open their gifts.All the Love.And..of course all the food and cookies.So despite all the pain and sorrow the last year has brought..I am feeling peaceful.Ive been able to find some happiness in all of this and for that I am grateful.I have high hopes for this new year coming.

Christmas 2010

It's Christmas day and I have been dreading this day.I knew it wouldn't really feel like Christmas because we aren't really celebrating till tomorrow.My daughter Lily has Christmas day with her Father this year and so we are waiting for her to do the family gathering.I was dreading this day knowing it would be depressing and....maybe a little lonely.But as I sit here in my polka dot pajamas and dog slippers,,I am alright.Blaine and I decided that we wouldn't do gifts for each other this year and just concentrate on every one else instead.But when I woke up this morning there were presents under the little Christmas tree we have set up in our bed room.Blaine told me they were from Santa.lol.So every hour Blaine handed me one of the presents to open."Santa" brought me paint,paint brushes.an easel, and painting paper.It is such a sweet gesture and gets me excited to start painting again.Today is not a as horrible as I thought it would be.

The Truth

So,it has been 19 months since Mia's death.It has been11 months since my first miscarriage at 9 weeks.It has been 3 months since my miscarriage at 12 weeks..... and things aren't always peachy.That's right,I'm not over it.Some days I don't ever change out of my pajamas.Or comb my hair.Some days I don't answer the phone when it rings.Some days I just don't feel like getting out of bed.Some days I forget to eat and other days I eat too much.I don't always laugh and smile.Sometimes I cry and frown.Ive put on some weight from my lack of motivation.Sometimes I feel lonely and other times I want to be alone and seclude myself from the world.Sometimes I'm angry.Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

Chris Rice - Spare an Angel

Im finding it hard to stay positive lately.Loosing my sight in all the maddness around me