September Baby(written in October)

Alot has happened since we lost The baby in September at 12 weeks of pregnancy.When we went in for the D&C,we demanded that we find a way to get answers this time around.This cant be normal and I need to know.It took us about 4 weeks to get the test results back.The doctor called and my heart started to pound.She started off by saying "Female baby." I asked her to repeat that sentence."Female baby." The second sentence.."there was an abnormality in the chromosome....downs syndrome." I asked her to repeat that sentence as well. We had a baby girl....and she had downs syndrome.I don't even know what to say.I don't even know what to think.I am in shock.For the last month I had gone through in my head of all the things the doctor could say to me when this day came....downs syndrome was not one of them.Honestly..I am so use to hearing "these things just happen sometimes and theres no explanation to it." I really thought that would be my answer and its not so I am in shock.I was not prepared for that answer.
The next step was to go see a genetics counselor.The day of that appointment I was so nervous and sick to my stomach.I feared that they would tell us that we carry some bad chromosomes and this would be very likely to happen to our future babies.I know that Mia did not have downs syndrome but we never had testing on the miscarriage baby after her.Theres a big part of me that thinks that baby had it as well.The genetics lady was wonderful.sweet and caring to our tender hearts.She took her time in answering our questions and helping us to understand.She told us that our baby girl had trisomy 21.That doesn't mean that me and Blaine carry the bad chromosomes.It just means that things didn't come together the right way when our baby was formed.She said this does not mean it would ever happen to us again.But there is still a part of me that wonders about the baby before this one.I wish so much that we had testing done then.
The next week we meet with a fetal/maternal specialist.We did not get any answers from that.Nothing we haven't already heard.They gave us the green light to try to get pregnant again.
This is the first time that I don't feel an urgency to get pregnant right away.With all of my other losses,I almost became obsessed with getting pregnant as soon as I could.I just wanted to have a baby inside me again.This time....it is different.I don't know if that is a bad thing or a good thing.I am so broken from all my babies that have gone...I am terrified.What if this happens to me again? I am tired of being strong and what it I just don't have it in me to go through this pain all over again.I know that I want a baby...but is it worth my heart and soul?