19 weeks

19 weeks and still going!!

4 weeks, 3 days

Yep, I am pregnant again! We are shocked by this because we had been taking a break from ttc.No fertility meds or anything.What a sweet surprise. It is still so early so we are careful to get too excited yet, but if I were to be completely honest, I would say I'm already a bit excited...Just maybe a bit cautious.I just thank God for this little blessing and pray that I can keep this one. Last Friday (8-26-11) my hcg was at 45.1 The progesterone was at 33.1 I am thrilled with the progesterone. On Monday (8-29-11) the hcg had rose to 154. Again,I am happy with these results.Next step is I have a ultrasound next week to make sure everything is in the right place.I am trying to stay calm but I am nervous about that appointment.Please God,Let this baby stick. I am already feeling drained with this pregnancy.I hear that is a good sign.

Taking a break

After much consideration and talk,we have decided to take a short break for the summer.A break from fertility meds,doctor appointments,ultrasounds,blood work,perfect timing, feeling like poop,lots of money,and even more stress.My daughter is out of school right now and this is the time to concentrate solely on her.We have some adventures planed and I plan on feeling good doing them.Of course ttc pops up in the back of my mind at times,but for now,I am trying to enjoy life without too much stress.

fertility and another loss

After our 3rd loss and finding out that I wasn't Ovulating on my own,we decided to go to a fertility specialist, Dr.Jacobs.After some testing,we came to the conclusion that I have a small case of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS).I started on Metformin for the pcos.Which I'm sure is evil in some sort of way.It makes me so sick.I took 50mg of Clomid for 5 days.Went in a week later for an ultrasound.They saw 3 great folicles.Then went home and gave myself the Ovidrel shot. 2 weeks later we got a positive pregnancy test.Went in to the doctors right away to confirm it will a blood test.Went back every 2 days for more blood work.At first everything seemed like to was going good.Progesterone and hcg levels were rising.Until yesterday.I got the awful phone call that my hcg levels have dropped.I am suppose to go back in Monday morning for more blood work to see what is going on and I am suppose to expect a miscarriage.Another miscarriage.This is 4 losses in a row.I find myself becoming an angry person.I am loosing my heart and mind.I am loosing a little sight my marriage over our sufferings.I am loosing hope and sight of my life.And I just keep praying for God to help me.

DREAMS

Out of all the dreams I have all the time....I never ever dream about Mia.Not even once and I have often thought that weird.Well,last night,I finally dreamed about her.It was so real.I didn't dream of her as a tiny newborn.I dreamed of her at the age she would be now.Of her at 20 months of age.In my dream,I knew she wasn't suppose to be there,but she was so beautiful.My color hair with little curls at the ends.I grabbed her out of a crib and held her.She just kept smiling at me.Then Blaine came into my dream and he held her.I looked at him and said."why don't we just keep her." and then I woke up.I was so mad when I woke up because I didn't want the dream to end.It was beautiful and peaceful and I was happy there.I want to go back to that dream and I look forward to the day that it might happen again.

Holding onto Hope

I recently started reading this book called "Holding onto Hope." By Nancy Gutherie.This book was literally brought to my front door and could not have come at a better time in my life. Ive recently come to some conclusions in my life and my new way of thinking and this book touches on that.Also.I have been praying for Blaine.At times he struggles with our losses and he questions why God would let this happen to us.Its hard to answer this question so I pray for him and I pray that God will calm his heart and open it to him.As I read this book I am thinking this is the answer to my prayer for Blaine.It amazes me.I am always asking God for an answer or a sign and I feel like he literally brought my answer right to my front door.
Nancy Gutherie talks about the book of Job.She talks about trying to except Gods plan even when it brings us massive pain.How we can use our pain to be better people and closer to God.And this brings me to my new revelations I discovered before this book came to my door.When Mia first died..I thought I would never be ok.I didn't understand why this could happen to us but I hoped one day It would all make sense.While I wont pretend that it all makes sense now...I can say that some does.Mia changed me.From the moment I became pregnant with her,something inside me changed.I wanted to be a better person and I felt I could see things more clearly in my life.Maybe I knew there was something special about her,even from the very beginning.Now a year and a half after her death,I look at the whole world differently.As crazy as it sounds,her death made me be able to love more.Brought me closer to God.And I am more equipped to help others that go through losses and I think that alone is a big part in my calling.Maybe I had to go through all this pain to make a difference in someone Else's life.A difference in my life

Christmas For Real

We had our actual Family Christmas and it was great! It reminded me that Christmas is my favorite time of year.Most importantly I know that it is Jesus's Birthday.And that is a celebration in itself.I would also have to admit that I love the whole process of giving and getting presents.I even like wrapping all the gifts in pretty wrapping paper with shiny bows.I love all the Christmas lights on all the houses.I love our Christmas tree with all our childhood ornaments on it.There is something peaceful about sitting in front of the lite up tree.But my favorite part of Christmas is all the family coming together.Letting go of any of the garbage,sitting together with smile and laughter.The children's faces when they tear open their gifts.All the Love.And..of course all the food and cookies.So despite all the pain and sorrow the last year has brought..I am feeling peaceful.Ive been able to find some happiness in all of this and for that I am grateful.I have high hopes for this new year coming.

Christmas 2010

It's Christmas day and I have been dreading this day.I knew it wouldn't really feel like Christmas because we aren't really celebrating till tomorrow.My daughter Lily has Christmas day with her Father this year and so we are waiting for her to do the family gathering.I was dreading this day knowing it would be depressing and....maybe a little lonely.But as I sit here in my polka dot pajamas and dog slippers,,I am alright.Blaine and I decided that we wouldn't do gifts for each other this year and just concentrate on every one else instead.But when I woke up this morning there were presents under the little Christmas tree we have set up in our bed room.Blaine told me they were from Santa.lol.So every hour Blaine handed me one of the presents to open."Santa" brought me paint,paint brushes.an easel, and painting paper.It is such a sweet gesture and gets me excited to start painting again.Today is not a as horrible as I thought it would be.

The Truth

So,it has been 19 months since Mia's death.It has been11 months since my first miscarriage at 9 weeks.It has been 3 months since my miscarriage at 12 weeks..... and things aren't always peachy.That's right,I'm not over it.Some days I don't ever change out of my pajamas.Or comb my hair.Some days I don't answer the phone when it rings.Some days I just don't feel like getting out of bed.Some days I forget to eat and other days I eat too much.I don't always laugh and smile.Sometimes I cry and frown.Ive put on some weight from my lack of motivation.Sometimes I feel lonely and other times I want to be alone and seclude myself from the world.Sometimes I'm angry.Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

Chris Rice - Spare an Angel

Im finding it hard to stay positive lately.Loosing my sight in all the maddness around me

PCOS

I am feeling discouraged.On December 6th I had cycle day 21 blood work done.Results back the next day..I did not Ovulate at all. I also found out that I have polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (pcos).I am beyond livid to hear my doctor just now say this to me.I have been having problems for over 11 years and it took them that long to get a clue.I made a point to tell them in the past that my sister had this(its hereditary) and they just brushed me off.Now that I am learning more about pcos..it kills me.Some of the side effect of having pcos...Preclampsia(I had that with Lily in 2000), Miscarriage(I've had at least 2 of those). Stillbirth(Mia), ruptured cysts,Weight gain,depression,and the list goes on.all these red flags staring you in the face.All these terrible things I have had to endure because my health is not important enough to  look into. When is enough enough? My doctor has agreed to start me on a drug called Clomid to induce Ovulation.I start that tomorrow.As I read more about pcos..I find out that with this you have a 50% of miscarriage.I read that there is a medication that can help to reduce this risk.IT helps to regulate your hormones so it is good for you even if you aren't trying to get pregnant.Its something people with pcos should really consider taking.I wonder why my doctor said nothing about this medication so I call her to talk to her about it.She has no clue what she is doing.I have also learned that many "regular" doctors really don't have a clue when it comes to fertility issues or something that's not the normal.This frustrates me to hell.I am not a doctor..I didn't go to medical school and I don't want to go to medical school.So why am I constantly working so hard to do research about my health.This isn't my job and I should not have to do this.I am completely loosing my Faith in the medical world.So my next step is to find someone that understands...a new doctor...someone who specializes in this.Which means money.Money that we don't have to spare.When will the madness end?How many more losses and suffering do I have to go through before someone does something to help me?

Proud Wife

On November 7th our town had their annual memorial service for babies gone too soon.We went to our first one last year and It was really nice and special.It was run by the same group of women that ran our support group we went to right after Mia's death.This year they have a new group handling everything.The hospital people and the catholic church.So the memorial service this year was very different.It did not feel very personal at all.They had different speakers and they had everyone singing Christmas carols.I still cannot understand why anyone would want to sing Christmas carols at a memorial service.There was a lady that said something in the lines of ..we shouldn't talk about your dead babies to people that haven't gone through what we have because it makes them uncomfortable.Her statement really shook me.Then there was a part in the service where you were suppose to go up and light your candle and say "I remember,,,,Baby's name(Mia).So people started to go up and do that.Light their candles,say their baby's name and then sit back down.Blaine went up to light our candle for Mia.Blaine was then suppose to go and sit back down but he didn't.He decided he had something to say and this is what it was.." you say that we shouldn't speak our child's name because it makes you uncomfortable? I don't give a dam if you are uncomfortable.Get over it.I love my child and I miss her.If I want to speak her name everyday..I will!!!"  I could see the passion in his eyes and hear it in his voice.My heart started to pound.I didn't really know what to think about what just happened.For my dear husband does not easily let his heart show in the way he just did.After the service I was surprised at how many people came up to him.Touching his arm,,looking into his eyes and saying Thank you so much for what you said.He made a statement and he made in impact.I am a proud wife today.

Today we got the first snow of this winter.Or rather a snow storm.I don't know if its the beauty of the snow flakes falling...covering everything in white..but something is stirring inside my heart.I find myself wandering of to a far away land.I can see Mia and it clutches as my heart.I miss her so much.If people only could see my mind and my heart.I know that other people don't think of Mia like I do.She doesn't come into their minds on Holidays..on birthdays..on ordinary days.Not Like mine.Sometimes I think people don't think about her at all.Maybe like she never/doesn't exist.But I know she did..and she does.She was a person.I knew her.I know her.And I miss her.I can see her in my mind.I don't even have to close my eyes.Her nose...her little lips...her long fingers...her tiny finger nails....her reddish hair with soft waves

September Baby(written in October)

Alot has happened since we lost The baby in September at 12 weeks of pregnancy.When we went in for the D&C,we demanded that we find a way to get answers this time around.This cant be normal and I need to know.It took us about 4 weeks to get the test results back.The doctor called and my heart started to pound.She started off by saying "Female baby." I asked her to repeat that sentence."Female baby." The second sentence.."there was an abnormality in the chromosome....downs syndrome." I asked her to repeat that sentence as well. We had a baby girl....and she had downs syndrome.I don't even know what to say.I don't even know what to think.I am in shock.For the last month I had gone through in my head of all the things the doctor could say to me when this day came....downs syndrome was not one of them.Honestly..I am so use to hearing "these things just happen sometimes and theres no explanation to it." I really thought that would be my answer and its not so I am in shock.I was not prepared for that answer.
The next step was to go see a genetics counselor.The day of that appointment I was so nervous and sick to my stomach.I feared that they would tell us that we carry some bad chromosomes and this would be very likely to happen to our future babies.I know that Mia did not have downs syndrome but we never had testing on the miscarriage baby after her.Theres a big part of me that thinks that baby had it as well.The genetics lady was wonderful.sweet and caring to our tender hearts.She took her time in answering our questions and helping us to understand.She told us that our baby girl had trisomy 21.That doesn't mean that me and Blaine carry the bad chromosomes.It just means that things didn't come together the right way when our baby was formed.She said this does not mean it would ever happen to us again.But there is still a part of me that wonders about the baby before this one.I wish so much that we had testing done then.
The next week we meet with a fetal/maternal specialist.We did not get any answers from that.Nothing we haven't already heard.They gave us the green light to try to get pregnant again.
This is the first time that I don't feel an urgency to get pregnant right away.With all of my other losses,I almost became obsessed with getting pregnant as soon as I could.I just wanted to have a baby inside me again.This time....it is different.I don't know if that is a bad thing or a good thing.I am so broken from all my babies that have gone...I am terrified.What if this happens to me again? I am tired of being strong and what it I just don't have it in me to go through this pain all over again.I know that I want a baby...but is it worth my heart and soul?

October15,2010 Infant loss Awareness

Another Baby Gone

In July we were so happy to be pregnant again.Happy and scared.Progesterone was low from the beginning but i was put on medication for that.Everything else was looking great.HCG levels went up like they were suppose to.At every ultrasound,everything looked great.Baby was growing as it should.Then came time for my 12 week ultrasound on September 23,2009 at 9:00a.m First the doctor tried to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler.She could not find the heartbeat.Next came the ultrasound.No heartbeat there either.Then came the realization that my baby was dead."Another" baby gone.I am angry..I am sad...I am confused.I know that someone is going to tell me that sometimes these things just happen.And I know when they say that...I will loose it.I will freak out on them.Because these things don't happen.People don't just go around with 3 dead babies.This is not normal.and this should not happen.We head on over to the hospital for a second ultrasound just to confirm what we already knew.On the way there I couldn't stop the slight hope inside me.The hope that maybe they were wrong and we would see a baby with a strong heartbeat.We have the second ultrasound and all that hope is crushed again.I am sad...I am angry....I am confused.We walk down the hospital halls and around the corner.Into the surgery outpatient room.I change into the gown.They hook me up to an IV.I am all prept to go.I say goodbye to my husband and mother and they roll me into the operating room.Everything goes black.A while later I wake up in a haze and I instantly feel different.Something is not right.Something is very wrong.Something is missing and I feel empty.Maybe its the being taken from my womb.Maybe its part of my heart.Maybe my soul.Maybe a little of everything.

My Heart

MY HEART WILL GO ON.It has to.I have no other choice.

MIA'S ANGEL BIRTHDAY

We woke up and went to church.I always work in the nursery during the service.I cannot remember a time where there wasn't at least 2 kids in the nursery.For some reason,no one came that day,which is very weird.And I wonder if God just knew to keep the babies away from me just that one day.A few of the women came up to me and
I was touched to hear them remember this day.I told myself I was not going to cry on this day....but that didn't work out to well.Only once though while I was sitting in the nursery rocking chair,wondering where all the kids were.This nice lady from the church came in to chat with me and when she looked at me...the tears came.Blaine on the other hand,Had a rough morning with alot of emotion.I think for me...all this time,I have let myself feel and show my sorrow.And Blaine,He has bottled it up all these months,trying not to dwell on it.Which brought this day and I think the reality of it all hit him.We came home and were so touched to see that some of our friends from facebook had posted candles in memory of Mia.Blaine was very upset with everyone else though.For 2 weeks straight,every single day,he has been posting and asking all his friends to post a candle on this day.....and when it came to the day,only 3 of his friends did.I wish all of them had.I mean,how hard is it to take a picture of a candle? But Even the first day he posted this,I knew this was going to happen.Despite his constant posting,I knew that most people would not.And I tried to prepare Blaine for it,but I think he still had hope and was so disappointed when it didn't turn out the way he planned.I do not expect very much at all out of people.Iv'e learned this the hard and hurtful way throughout the years...Particularly this year.In a way,I guess that's sad. What I am more upset about is some of our family that didn't acknowledge this day at all.No phone call,no nothing. This tells me one of two things,maybe even both.Either Mia does not effect you enough to remember this special day or Mia,me and Blaine mean nothing to you.I knew this was going to happen,I just knew it.But it still gets to me.She is your granddaughter,your niece,our child that we Love and miss so much.Does that mean nothing?Besides all that though,we did have an ok day and did our best to honor Mia's memory.My brother picked flowers and said they were for Mia.Now if you knew my brother than you would know this is a big deal.It made me feel good that he did that.Later on in the day..My parents,Blaine and myself went to the cemetery.We had a bunch of flowers.My mom bought some and so did my Dad and the flowers that Rob picked.It looked to pretty with all the flowers.My mom wrote a beautiful letter for Mia and she read it out loud while we were there.Following with a prayer.My Dad cried.We had 2 balloons.A pink heart balloon and a purple star balloon.We released them at the cemetery.Blaine did the star and I did the heart.Before I let mine go,I said a silent prayer asking God to somehow let Mia see the balloons and I asked him if he could make sure she knew her mommy and Daddy Love her and think of her all the time.I really do wonder if Mia could see the balloons.I really hope she could.

Candle Pictures posted on Facebook for Mia by Friends.Happy Angel Birthday Sweet Mia