I am feeling discouraged.On December 6th I had cycle day 21 blood work done.Results back the next day..I did not Ovulate at all. I also found out that I have polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (pcos).I am beyond livid to hear my doctor just now say this to me.I have been having problems for over 11 years and it took them that long to get a clue.I made a point to tell them in the past that my sister had this(its hereditary) and they just brushed me off.Now that I am learning more about pcos..it kills me.Some of the side effect of having pcos...Preclampsia(I had that with Lily in 2000), Miscarriage(I've had at least 2 of those). Stillbirth(Mia), ruptured cysts,Weight gain,depression,and the list goes on.all these red flags staring you in the face.All these terrible things I have had to endure because my health is not important enough to look into. When is enough enough? My doctor has agreed to start me on a drug called Clomid to induce Ovulation.I start that tomorrow.As I read more about pcos..I find out that with this you have a 50% of miscarriage.I read that there is a medication that can help to reduce this risk.IT helps to regulate your hormones so it is good for you even if you aren't trying to get pregnant.Its something people with pcos should really consider taking.I wonder why my doctor said nothing about this medication so I call her to talk to her about it.She has no clue what she is doing.I have also learned that many "regular" doctors really don't have a clue when it comes to fertility issues or something that's not the normal.This frustrates me to hell.I am not a doctor..I didn't go to medical school and I don't want to go to medical school.So why am I constantly working so hard to do research about my health.This isn't my job and I should not have to do this.I am completely loosing my Faith in the medical world.So my next step is to find someone that understands...a new doctor...someone who specializes in this.Which means money.Money that we don't have to spare.When will the madness end?How many more losses and suffering do I have to go through before someone does something to help me?
Friday, December 10, 2010
Proud Wife
On November 7th our town had their annual memorial service for babies gone too soon.We went to our first one last year and It was really nice and special.It was run by the same group of women that ran our support group we went to right after Mia's death.This year they have a new group handling everything.The hospital people and the catholic church.So the memorial service this year was very different.It did not feel very personal at all.They had different speakers and they had everyone singing Christmas carols.I still cannot understand why anyone would want to sing Christmas carols at a memorial service.There was a lady that said something in the lines of ..we shouldn't talk about your dead babies to people that haven't gone through what we have because it makes them uncomfortable.Her statement really shook me.Then there was a part in the service where you were suppose to go up and light your candle and say "I remember,,,,Baby's name(Mia).So people started to go up and do that.Light their candles,say their baby's name and then sit back down.Blaine went up to light our candle for Mia.Blaine was then suppose to go and sit back down but he didn't.He decided he had something to say and this is what it was.." you say that we shouldn't speak our child's name because it makes you uncomfortable? I don't give a dam if you are uncomfortable.Get over it.I love my child and I miss her.If I want to speak her name everyday..I will!!!" I could see the passion in his eyes and hear it in his voice.My heart started to pound.I didn't really know what to think about what just happened.For my dear husband does not easily let his heart show in the way he just did.After the service I was surprised at how many people came up to him.Touching his arm,,looking into his eyes and saying Thank you so much for what you said.He made a statement and he made in impact.I am a proud wife today.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Today we got the first snow of this winter.Or rather a snow storm.I don't know if its the beauty of the snow flakes falling...covering everything in white..but something is stirring inside my heart.I find myself wandering of to a far away land.I can see Mia and it clutches as my heart.I miss her so much.If people only could see my mind and my heart.I know that other people don't think of Mia like I do.She doesn't come into their minds on Holidays..on birthdays..on ordinary days.Not Like mine.Sometimes I think people don't think about her at all.Maybe like she never/doesn't exist.But I know she did..and she does.She was a person.I knew her.I know her.And I miss her.I can see her in my mind.I don't even have to close my eyes.Her nose...her little lips...her long fingers...her tiny finger nails....her reddish hair with soft waves
September Baby(written in October)
Alot has happened since we lost The baby in September at 12 weeks of pregnancy.When we went in for the D&C,we demanded that we find a way to get answers this time around.This cant be normal and I need to know.It took us about 4 weeks to get the test results back.The doctor called and my heart started to pound.She started off by saying "Female baby." I asked her to repeat that sentence."Female baby." The second sentence.."there was an abnormality in the chromosome....downs syndrome." I asked her to repeat that sentence as well. We had a baby girl....and she had downs syndrome.I don't even know what to say.I don't even know what to think.I am in shock.For the last month I had gone through in my head of all the things the doctor could say to me when this day came....downs syndrome was not one of them.Honestly..I am so use to hearing "these things just happen sometimes and theres no explanation to it." I really thought that would be my answer and its not so I am in shock.I was not prepared for that answer.
The next step was to go see a genetics counselor.The day of that appointment I was so nervous and sick to my stomach.I feared that they would tell us that we carry some bad chromosomes and this would be very likely to happen to our future babies.I know that Mia did not have downs syndrome but we never had testing on the miscarriage baby after her.Theres a big part of me that thinks that baby had it as well.The genetics lady was wonderful.sweet and caring to our tender hearts.She took her time in answering our questions and helping us to understand.She told us that our baby girl had trisomy 21.That doesn't mean that me and Blaine carry the bad chromosomes.It just means that things didn't come together the right way when our baby was formed.She said this does not mean it would ever happen to us again.But there is still a part of me that wonders about the baby before this one.I wish so much that we had testing done then.
The next week we meet with a fetal/maternal specialist.We did not get any answers from that.Nothing we haven't already heard.They gave us the green light to try to get pregnant again.
This is the first time that I don't feel an urgency to get pregnant right away.With all of my other losses,I almost became obsessed with getting pregnant as soon as I could.I just wanted to have a baby inside me again.This time....it is different.I don't know if that is a bad thing or a good thing.I am so broken from all my babies that have gone...I am terrified.What if this happens to me again? I am tired of being strong and what it I just don't have it in me to go through this pain all over again.I know that I want a baby...but is it worth my heart and soul?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Another Baby Gone
In July we were so happy to be pregnant again.Happy and scared.Progesterone was low from the beginning but i was put on medication for that.Everything else was looking great.HCG levels went up like they were suppose to.At every ultrasound,everything looked great.Baby was growing as it should.Then came time for my 12 week ultrasound on September 23,2009 at 9:00a.m First the doctor tried to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler.She could not find the heartbeat.Next came the ultrasound.No heartbeat there either.Then came the realization that my baby was dead."Another" baby gone.I am angry..I am sad...I am confused.I know that someone is going to tell me that sometimes these things just happen.And I know when they say that...I will loose it.I will freak out on them.Because these things don't happen.People don't just go around with 3 dead babies.This is not normal.and this should not happen.We head on over to the hospital for a second ultrasound just to confirm what we already knew.On the way there I couldn't stop the slight hope inside me.The hope that maybe they were wrong and we would see a baby with a strong heartbeat.We have the second ultrasound and all that hope is crushed again.I am sad...I am angry....I am confused.We walk down the hospital halls and around the corner.Into the surgery outpatient room.I change into the gown.They hook me up to an IV.I am all prept to go.I say goodbye to my husband and mother and they roll me into the operating room.Everything goes black.A while later I wake up in a haze and I instantly feel different.Something is not right.Something is very wrong.Something is missing and I feel empty.Maybe its the being taken from my womb.Maybe its part of my heart.Maybe my soul.Maybe a little of everything.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
MIA'S ANGEL BIRTHDAY
We woke up and went to church.I always work in the nursery during the service.I cannot remember a time where there wasn't at least 2 kids in the nursery.For some reason,no one came that day,which is very weird.And I wonder if God just knew to keep the babies away from me just that one day.A few of the women came up to me and
I was touched to hear them remember this day.I told myself I was not going to cry on this day....but that didn't work out to well.Only once though while I was sitting in the nursery rocking chair,wondering where all the kids were.This nice lady from the church came in to chat with me and when she looked at me...the tears came.Blaine on the other hand,Had a rough morning with alot of emotion.I think for me...all this time,I have let myself feel and show my sorrow.And Blaine,He has bottled it up all these months,trying not to dwell on it.Which brought this day and I think the reality of it all hit him.We came home and were so touched to see that some of our friends from facebook had posted candles in memory of Mia.Blaine was very upset with everyone else though.For 2 weeks straight,every single day,he has been posting and asking all his friends to post a candle on this day.....and when it came to the day,only 3 of his friends did.I wish all of them had.I mean,how hard is it to take a picture of a candle? But Even the first day he posted this,I knew this was going to happen.Despite his constant posting,I knew that most people would not.And I tried to prepare Blaine for it,but I think he still had hope and was so disappointed when it didn't turn out the way he planned.I do not expect very much at all out of people.Iv'e learned this the hard and hurtful way throughout the years...Particularly this year.In a way,I guess that's sad. What I am more upset about is some of our family that didn't acknowledge this day at all.No phone call,no nothing. This tells me one of two things,maybe even both.Either Mia does not effect you enough to remember this special day or Mia,me and Blaine mean nothing to you.I knew this was going to happen,I just knew it.But it still gets to me.She is your granddaughter,your niece,our child that we Love and miss so much.Does that mean nothing?Besides all that though,we did have an ok day and did our best to honor Mia's memory.My brother picked flowers and said they were for Mia.Now if you knew my brother than you would know this is a big deal.It made me feel good that he did that.Later on in the day..My parents,Blaine and myself went to the cemetery.We had a bunch of flowers.My mom bought some and so did my Dad and the flowers that Rob picked.It looked to pretty with all the flowers.My mom wrote a beautiful letter for Mia and she read it out loud while we were there.Following with a prayer.My Dad cried.We had 2 balloons.A pink heart balloon and a purple star balloon.We released them at the cemetery.Blaine did the star and I did the heart.Before I let mine go,I said a silent prayer asking God to somehow let Mia see the balloons and I asked him if he could make sure she knew her mommy and Daddy Love her and think of her all the time.I really do wonder if Mia could see the balloons.I really hope she could.
