MIA'S ANGEL BIRTHDAY

We woke up and went to church.I always work in the nursery during the service.I cannot remember a time where there wasn't at least 2 kids in the nursery.For some reason,no one came that day,which is very weird.And I wonder if God just knew to keep the babies away from me just that one day.A few of the women came up to me and
I was touched to hear them remember this day.I told myself I was not going to cry on this day....but that didn't work out to well.Only once though while I was sitting in the nursery rocking chair,wondering where all the kids were.This nice lady from the church came in to chat with me and when she looked at me...the tears came.Blaine on the other hand,Had a rough morning with alot of emotion.I think for me...all this time,I have let myself feel and show my sorrow.And Blaine,He has bottled it up all these months,trying not to dwell on it.Which brought this day and I think the reality of it all hit him.We came home and were so touched to see that some of our friends from facebook had posted candles in memory of Mia.Blaine was very upset with everyone else though.For 2 weeks straight,every single day,he has been posting and asking all his friends to post a candle on this day.....and when it came to the day,only 3 of his friends did.I wish all of them had.I mean,how hard is it to take a picture of a candle? But Even the first day he posted this,I knew this was going to happen.Despite his constant posting,I knew that most people would not.And I tried to prepare Blaine for it,but I think he still had hope and was so disappointed when it didn't turn out the way he planned.I do not expect very much at all out of people.Iv'e learned this the hard and hurtful way throughout the years...Particularly this year.In a way,I guess that's sad. What I am more upset about is some of our family that didn't acknowledge this day at all.No phone call,no nothing. This tells me one of two things,maybe even both.Either Mia does not effect you enough to remember this special day or Mia,me and Blaine mean nothing to you.I knew this was going to happen,I just knew it.But it still gets to me.She is your granddaughter,your niece,our child that we Love and miss so much.Does that mean nothing?Besides all that though,we did have an ok day and did our best to honor Mia's memory.My brother picked flowers and said they were for Mia.Now if you knew my brother than you would know this is a big deal.It made me feel good that he did that.Later on in the day..My parents,Blaine and myself went to the cemetery.We had a bunch of flowers.My mom bought some and so did my Dad and the flowers that Rob picked.It looked to pretty with all the flowers.My mom wrote a beautiful letter for Mia and she read it out loud while we were there.Following with a prayer.My Dad cried.We had 2 balloons.A pink heart balloon and a purple star balloon.We released them at the cemetery.Blaine did the star and I did the heart.Before I let mine go,I said a silent prayer asking God to somehow let Mia see the balloons and I asked him if he could make sure she knew her mommy and Daddy Love her and think of her all the time.I really do wonder if Mia could see the balloons.I really hope she could.

Candle Pictures posted on Facebook for Mia by Friends.Happy Angel Birthday Sweet Mia

Lighting a candle for Mia

In Memory Of Mia

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Make sure you click pause on the playlist songs so you can hear the song for this video

WISH LIST

1-I wish my child hadn't died.I wish I had her back
2-I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name.My child is very important to me and I need to hear that she is important to you as well.
3-If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isnt because you have hurt me.My child's death is the cause of my tears.You have talked about my child,and you have allowed me to share my grief.I thank you for both.
4-Being a bereaved parent is not contagious,so I wish you wouldnt shy away from me.I need you now more than ever.
5-I know that you think of me and pray for me often.I also know that my child's death pains you too.I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call,a card or a note,or a real big hug.
6-I WISH YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT MY GRIEF TO BE OVER IN SIX MONTHS.The first months are traumatic for me,but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.I will suffer the death of my child untill the day I meet her again.
7-I wish you wouldn't expect me to not think about it or to be happy all the time.Neither will happen for a very long time,so dont frusterate yourself.
8-I wish that you knew that all my grief reactions I'm having are very normal-Depression,anger,hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
9-Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off.When I walk away,I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
10-I wish you would understood that grief changes people.When my child died,a BIG part of me died with her.I am not the same person I was before and I will never be that person again.
11-I wish very much that you could understand; understand my loss and my grief,my silence and my tears,my void and my pain.BUT I pray daily that you will never understand

Copied and Pasted from livejournal.com

yJun. 12th, 2009
10:39 AM

On May 23,2009 (the day before my birthday) I delivered my beautiful baby girl, Mia. 6 pounds, 5 ounces and 20 inches long. When I was pregnant, I wanted so bad to know what she looked like and right away realized she looked just like her Daddy. She had his curly hair down to his sweet little lips. The only thing I will never know is what color eyes she had. She never opened them, we never got to see them. Her heart stopped and she died. We had to burry our child, something a parent should never have to do. The doctors ran tests and came up with nothing. We had an autopsy done and they came up with nothing. They all said that sometimes these things happen and theres no explanation. That answer is not good enough for me. I remember when they told me there was no heart beat. My mother was standing next to me. As I was being hysterical, I was grabing onto her shirt and repeatedly kept saying "I dont understand." I find myself even now screaming that phrase in my head. Why did this happen to me? I did everything I was suppose to do. Blaine and I were so excitted about her and we loved her. I remember at the begining of my pregnancy I was a little unsure about being pregnant in the first place. And I remember the first time I saw her on the 3-d ultrasound. In that very moment, I fell madly in love with her. From then on, I never thought about my future without her in it. She was going to be my life. Why did God give her to me for 9 months and make me feel so deeply for her to just take her away? Sometimes I just sit in my room and stare at all her stuff. Her little clothes are still hanging up in the closet and her crib is still beside our bed. I know that it bothers Blaine and he want the stuff put away. I just cant. A part of me wants it gone but another part of me feels like if I put the stuff away, I will die too.

2 more weeks

Theres 2 more weeks till Mia's Angel birthday.Everyone is anticipating this day.I can tell people are starting to become weary...as if they are tip toeing around me.My friends,my family and even my doctor."We know Mia's birthday is coming up and this must be very hard on you." I have taken the time to seriously think about this concept.I want to understand why May 23rd it worse than all the other days since Mia was delivered.My conclusion is.....Its not.It's not any worse.It's not anymore painful than it has been throughout this year.The reality that there should be a one year old running around...that's a bit harsh.But in a way,it will be a bittersweet day.It will be a day where people will actually take the time to think of her as I think of her daily.Although,I am also aware that some people will not even remember the day.And I know that will hurt.

My Life

A Year ago this time,I was a couple weeks away from my due date. I knew I was having a girl and her name was Mia.Everything was ready and waiting for her.Her crib put together next to my bed.The changing table stacked with diapers.Her tiny little clothes hanging neatly in the closet.The hospital bag all packed with a beautiful outfit to bring her home in. Mia never got to come home in that outfit...because she went to Heaven instead.That was on May23rd.And as the time is coming to a year, reality sets in.This year feels like my whole life,yet at the same time it has flown by.I realize that for a whole year I have been in a deep dark hole.A year has been wasted away in this hole.I havent know one day from the next.They all seem to mesh together.