Christmas For Real

We had our actual Family Christmas and it was great! It reminded me that Christmas is my favorite time of year.Most importantly I know that it is Jesus's Birthday.And that is a celebration in itself.I would also have to admit that I love the whole process of giving and getting presents.I even like wrapping all the gifts in pretty wrapping paper with shiny bows.I love all the Christmas lights on all the houses.I love our Christmas tree with all our childhood ornaments on it.There is something peaceful about sitting in front of the lite up tree.But my favorite part of Christmas is all the family coming together.Letting go of any of the garbage,sitting together with smile and laughter.The children's faces when they tear open their gifts.All the Love.And..of course all the food and cookies.So despite all the pain and sorrow the last year has brought..I am feeling peaceful.Ive been able to find some happiness in all of this and for that I am grateful.I have high hopes for this new year coming.

Christmas 2010

It's Christmas day and I have been dreading this day.I knew it wouldn't really feel like Christmas because we aren't really celebrating till tomorrow.My daughter Lily has Christmas day with her Father this year and so we are waiting for her to do the family gathering.I was dreading this day knowing it would be depressing and....maybe a little lonely.But as I sit here in my polka dot pajamas and dog slippers,,I am alright.Blaine and I decided that we wouldn't do gifts for each other this year and just concentrate on every one else instead.But when I woke up this morning there were presents under the little Christmas tree we have set up in our bed room.Blaine told me they were from Santa.lol.So every hour Blaine handed me one of the presents to open."Santa" brought me paint,paint brushes.an easel, and painting paper.It is such a sweet gesture and gets me excited to start painting again.Today is not a as horrible as I thought it would be.

The Truth

So,it has been 19 months since Mia's death.It has been11 months since my first miscarriage at 9 weeks.It has been 3 months since my miscarriage at 12 weeks..... and things aren't always peachy.That's right,I'm not over it.Some days I don't ever change out of my pajamas.Or comb my hair.Some days I don't answer the phone when it rings.Some days I just don't feel like getting out of bed.Some days I forget to eat and other days I eat too much.I don't always laugh and smile.Sometimes I cry and frown.Ive put on some weight from my lack of motivation.Sometimes I feel lonely and other times I want to be alone and seclude myself from the world.Sometimes I'm angry.Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

Chris Rice - Spare an Angel

Im finding it hard to stay positive lately.Loosing my sight in all the maddness around me

PCOS

I am feeling discouraged.On December 6th I had cycle day 21 blood work done.Results back the next day..I did not Ovulate at all. I also found out that I have polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (pcos).I am beyond livid to hear my doctor just now say this to me.I have been having problems for over 11 years and it took them that long to get a clue.I made a point to tell them in the past that my sister had this(its hereditary) and they just brushed me off.Now that I am learning more about pcos..it kills me.Some of the side effect of having pcos...Preclampsia(I had that with Lily in 2000), Miscarriage(I've had at least 2 of those). Stillbirth(Mia), ruptured cysts,Weight gain,depression,and the list goes on.all these red flags staring you in the face.All these terrible things I have had to endure because my health is not important enough to  look into. When is enough enough? My doctor has agreed to start me on a drug called Clomid to induce Ovulation.I start that tomorrow.As I read more about pcos..I find out that with this you have a 50% of miscarriage.I read that there is a medication that can help to reduce this risk.IT helps to regulate your hormones so it is good for you even if you aren't trying to get pregnant.Its something people with pcos should really consider taking.I wonder why my doctor said nothing about this medication so I call her to talk to her about it.She has no clue what she is doing.I have also learned that many "regular" doctors really don't have a clue when it comes to fertility issues or something that's not the normal.This frustrates me to hell.I am not a doctor..I didn't go to medical school and I don't want to go to medical school.So why am I constantly working so hard to do research about my health.This isn't my job and I should not have to do this.I am completely loosing my Faith in the medical world.So my next step is to find someone that understands...a new doctor...someone who specializes in this.Which means money.Money that we don't have to spare.When will the madness end?How many more losses and suffering do I have to go through before someone does something to help me?

Proud Wife

On November 7th our town had their annual memorial service for babies gone too soon.We went to our first one last year and It was really nice and special.It was run by the same group of women that ran our support group we went to right after Mia's death.This year they have a new group handling everything.The hospital people and the catholic church.So the memorial service this year was very different.It did not feel very personal at all.They had different speakers and they had everyone singing Christmas carols.I still cannot understand why anyone would want to sing Christmas carols at a memorial service.There was a lady that said something in the lines of ..we shouldn't talk about your dead babies to people that haven't gone through what we have because it makes them uncomfortable.Her statement really shook me.Then there was a part in the service where you were suppose to go up and light your candle and say "I remember,,,,Baby's name(Mia).So people started to go up and do that.Light their candles,say their baby's name and then sit back down.Blaine went up to light our candle for Mia.Blaine was then suppose to go and sit back down but he didn't.He decided he had something to say and this is what it was.." you say that we shouldn't speak our child's name because it makes you uncomfortable? I don't give a dam if you are uncomfortable.Get over it.I love my child and I miss her.If I want to speak her name everyday..I will!!!"  I could see the passion in his eyes and hear it in his voice.My heart started to pound.I didn't really know what to think about what just happened.For my dear husband does not easily let his heart show in the way he just did.After the service I was surprised at how many people came up to him.Touching his arm,,looking into his eyes and saying Thank you so much for what you said.He made a statement and he made in impact.I am a proud wife today.

Today we got the first snow of this winter.Or rather a snow storm.I don't know if its the beauty of the snow flakes falling...covering everything in white..but something is stirring inside my heart.I find myself wandering of to a far away land.I can see Mia and it clutches as my heart.I miss her so much.If people only could see my mind and my heart.I know that other people don't think of Mia like I do.She doesn't come into their minds on Holidays..on birthdays..on ordinary days.Not Like mine.Sometimes I think people don't think about her at all.Maybe like she never/doesn't exist.But I know she did..and she does.She was a person.I knew her.I know her.And I miss her.I can see her in my mind.I don't even have to close my eyes.Her nose...her little lips...her long fingers...her tiny finger nails....her reddish hair with soft waves

September Baby(written in October)

Alot has happened since we lost The baby in September at 12 weeks of pregnancy.When we went in for the D&C,we demanded that we find a way to get answers this time around.This cant be normal and I need to know.It took us about 4 weeks to get the test results back.The doctor called and my heart started to pound.She started off by saying "Female baby." I asked her to repeat that sentence."Female baby." The second sentence.."there was an abnormality in the chromosome....downs syndrome." I asked her to repeat that sentence as well. We had a baby girl....and she had downs syndrome.I don't even know what to say.I don't even know what to think.I am in shock.For the last month I had gone through in my head of all the things the doctor could say to me when this day came....downs syndrome was not one of them.Honestly..I am so use to hearing "these things just happen sometimes and theres no explanation to it." I really thought that would be my answer and its not so I am in shock.I was not prepared for that answer.
The next step was to go see a genetics counselor.The day of that appointment I was so nervous and sick to my stomach.I feared that they would tell us that we carry some bad chromosomes and this would be very likely to happen to our future babies.I know that Mia did not have downs syndrome but we never had testing on the miscarriage baby after her.Theres a big part of me that thinks that baby had it as well.The genetics lady was wonderful.sweet and caring to our tender hearts.She took her time in answering our questions and helping us to understand.She told us that our baby girl had trisomy 21.That doesn't mean that me and Blaine carry the bad chromosomes.It just means that things didn't come together the right way when our baby was formed.She said this does not mean it would ever happen to us again.But there is still a part of me that wonders about the baby before this one.I wish so much that we had testing done then.
The next week we meet with a fetal/maternal specialist.We did not get any answers from that.Nothing we haven't already heard.They gave us the green light to try to get pregnant again.
This is the first time that I don't feel an urgency to get pregnant right away.With all of my other losses,I almost became obsessed with getting pregnant as soon as I could.I just wanted to have a baby inside me again.This time....it is different.I don't know if that is a bad thing or a good thing.I am so broken from all my babies that have gone...I am terrified.What if this happens to me again? I am tired of being strong and what it I just don't have it in me to go through this pain all over again.I know that I want a baby...but is it worth my heart and soul?